Cognitive Distortions—The Unseen Storyteller Shaping Your Life

Erik Siegmund
Feb 10, 2025
6 min read

A stained glass figure touches its reflection in a broken, distorted mirror against a starry backdrop, framed by ornate golden patterns. — What if the story you tell yourself isn’t the truth—but a distortion? Cognitive distortions act like cracks in a mirror, warping how we see failure, success, and even ourselves.

The Stories in Our Heads

We all have an internal narrator—a voice that tells us who we are, what we’re capable of, and how the world works. This voice doesn’t just describe our experiences; it shapes them. The way we interpret setbacks, achievements, and even everyday interactions builds the foundation of our self-perception.

But what if that narrator is unreliable? What if the stories we tell ourselves about failure, success, and our own worth aren’t based on reality but on distorted thinking patterns?

This unseen storyteller influences how we navigate challenges. If it whispers that failure is permanent, we may stop trying. If it insists we’re impostors, we might downplay our own successes. And if it tells us we’re at the mercy of fate, we could feel powerless to change.

The key to being resilient is understanding and challenging our inner stories. It’s not about being overly positive, but about seeing things as they really are. By identifying the distortions in our thinking, we can begin to rewrite the stories we tell ourselves and step into a narrative that is both more accurate and more empowering.

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) and Narrative Therapy both emphasize how the stories we tell ourselves shape our emotions and behaviors. A father of cognitive therapy, Dr. Aaron Beck identified cognitive distortions, or habitual errors in thinking, as a major contributor to depression and anxiety. Cognitive distortions are common thought patterns that make us see things in a negative or exaggerated way. Narrative therapy focuses on changing the stories we tell ourselves to better understand and improve our lives.

When we recognize and challenge these distorted thoughts, studies show it can help reduce anxiety and depression. Narrative therapy focuses on changing the stories we tell ourselves. It teaches that we are not our problems—problems are things we face, not who we are. Combs and Freedman (1994) highlight how externalizing problems—seeing them as separate from our identity rather than as personal failings—can help people develop healthier self-perceptions.

This is especially important for those who have experienced manipulation or abuse, as they often internalize harmful messages about themselves. When we change the way we think about our problems, it helps us feel stronger and kinder to ourselves.

Both approaches show that our inner narrator is often unreliable, shaped by past experiences, social influences, and emotional biases. However, by recognizing these patterns, we gain the power to rewrite our stories in ways that support growth, resilience, and well-being.

What Are Cognitive Distortions?

Cognitive distortions are common thought patterns that make us see things in a negative or exaggerated way. For example, we might think something small is much worse than it really is. They act like a warped mirror—reflecting reality, but in a way that exaggerates, minimizes, or twists what’s truly there.

We all experience cognitive distortions from time to time. It’s part of being human. But when these distorted thoughts become habitual, they can fuel anxiety, depression, and even erode self-confidence. They can also make us more vulnerable to external manipulation—like gaslighting—by reinforcing false narratives about our worth, abilities, and control over our lives.

Becoming aware of these distortions is the first step in challenging them. Let’s explore five common types:

All-or-Nothing Thinking (Black-and-White Thinking)
This distortion makes us see things in extremes—success or failure, good or bad, worthy or worthless. There’s no middle ground. If one small part of a project doesn’t go as planned, it feels like the entire effort was a disaster.
Example: You stick to healthy eating all week but have a slice of cake at a party. Instead of seeing it as a small indulgence, you think, I’ve completely failed—might as well give up.
Reframe It: One choice doesn’t define the whole effort. Progress, not perfection, is what matters.
Catastrophizing
This is when the mind jumps to the worst possible outcome, assuming disaster is inevitable. If something small goes wrong, we think it’s going to be a big problem, even though it’s probably not.
Example: You send a message and don’t get an immediate response. Instead of assuming the person is busy, your mind spirals: They must be upset with me. I must have said something wrong. What if I’ve ruined this friendship?
Reframe It: Take a moment. Think about the most likely reason. People just get busy sometimes. One unanswered message doesn’t mean rejection.
Personalization (Taking the Blame for Everything)
This distortion makes us think we are to blame for things we can't control, which can make us feel guilty or like we’ve done something wrong.
Example: A friend cancels plans last minute. Instead of considering they might be overwhelmed or unwell, you think, They must not want to see me. Did I do something wrong?
Reframe It: Other people’s actions are shaped by their own circumstances. Not everything is about you.
Mental Filtering (Only Seeing the Negative)
This happens when we focus only on what went wrong and ignore everything that went right. It’s like highlighting one flaw in a masterpiece and declaring the whole painting ruined.
Example: You get positive feedback on a project but fixate on one minor criticism, convincing yourself that you did a terrible job.
Reframe It: One piece of criticism doesn’t erase all the positives. Balance the full picture.
Emotional Reasoning
This distortion convinces us that our feelings define reality. If we feel worthless, we must be worthless. If we feel like a failure, we assume we are one.
Example: You feel anxious about a presentation and think, I must be terrible at public speaking.
Reframe It: Feelings aren’t facts. Anxiety before speaking is normal—it doesn’t mean you’re bad at it.

Rewriting the Story: How to Break Free

Cognitive distortions shape our internal narrator, often making it unreliable. But when we start recognizing and challenging these distorted thoughts, we take back control of our story.

By reframing automatic negative thoughts, we move toward a more balanced, accurate, and empowering narrative—one that builds resilience rather than tears it down. You are not your thoughts. Just because your brain tells you a story doesn’t mean it’s true.

Now that we know some of the tricks our inner narrator uses, here's a simple method to challenge distortions and allow us be be better storytellers in our own lives:

Step 1: Catch It – Recognize when a thought is distorted.

Step 2: Check It – Ask: Is this 100% true? What’s the evidence?

Step 3: Change It – Reframe the thought to be more balanced.

Concrete Example:

Step 1: Catch It You think, "I always fail at everything." This feels like a definitive statement, but it’s a blanket judgment that doesn’t capture all the nuance of your experiences.

Step 2: Check It You ask yourself, "Is this 100% true? Have I really failed at everything?" You then recall times when you succeeded—like the recent project you completed or how you've been rebuilding your life after the divorce. These are examples that contradict the thought that you always fail.

Step 3: Change It You reframe the thought to: "I’ve faced setbacks, but I’ve also achieved many things. I am capable of learning and growing through challenges." This reframing provides a more balanced and realistic perspective, acknowledging both successes and setbacks without letting one dominate the narrative.

Interactive Exercise: Improving Your Inner Narrator

Let's start rewriting your story! This week take some time out to do the following. Find a quiet place and bring all your attention to this exercise. Maybe begin with some deep breathing or another exercise that helps you feel grounded. Then, prepare to tell a part of your story. Type it out, write it in a journal, or even as a first step jot it down on a sheet of paper.

Think of 3 negative thoughts you’ve had recently and write them down.
Try to figure out what type of distorted thinking they might be. Is it all-or-nothing thinking or something else?
Use the Catch-Check-Change method to rewrite each thought in a more balanced way.

Cognitive distortions aren’t just personal struggles—they are tools often used in manipulation and abuse. Learning to recognize them in yourself is the first step in resisting them from others.

Next, we’ll explore how these patterns are used by manipulators in situations such as narcissistic abuse and how to protect yourself.

Your story is yours to tell.