The Stories We Tell Ourselves: Reframing Failure and Success

Every story holds the power to transform—rewrite yours and watch how it shapes your future.

What if your biggest failure isn’t actually a failure? What if it’s just the way you’ve been telling the story?

People are natural storytellers. All of us have an internal narrator. It’s that voice in our head that strings together events, creating meaning out of our raw experiences. As children, we often talked to ourselves as we played, which helped us understand and organize what we were doing. This “self-talk” is important for learning how to solve problems and manage our emotions. In time, we internalize this process, and with it the stories. But the stories we tell ourselves continue to shape how we see the world and our own identity.

Sometimes, that story elevates us. Other times, it locks us in place, defining us by our worst moments. In time, these stories solidify into aspects of our identity. But here’s the truth: You are not your failures. You are not even your past successes. You are the storyteller, and you can change the narrative. In time, the initial emotions of triumph and defeat fade into the background. But the story we tell about them remains.

The Power of Narrative

Our brains are naturally wired for storytelling. They help us make sense of life’s randomness. But the problem? Stories aren’t neutral. They are shaped by emotions, culture, and past wounds. Neuroscientific research shows that when we hear or tell a story, multiple regions of the brain are activated, from the sensory cortex to the emotional centers (such as the amygdala). This not only helps us make sense of the world but also plays a significant role in memory consolidation and emotional processing.

Research from Dr. Alan Baddeley suggests that our memories are malleable, and the way we narrate past events can reshape our perceptions of them. One key component of his model of memory, the episodic buffer, is like a mental organizer that helps you take pieces of different memories—like sounds, images, and feelings—and put them together into a clear story or experience. For example, when you remember a past event, the episodic buffer helps bring together what you saw, heard, and felt at the time to form a complete picture.

This aligns with the concept of "narrative therapy", which views the act of storytelling as a tool for reframing experiences. By changing the story we tell ourselves, we can alter how our brains encode those memories—transforming feelings of failure into moments of learning and growth. The same event can have different meanings based on how we frame it.

Some stories trap us in negative emotions (“I always fail at this, so why bother?”).

Others free us into growth (“I learned something valuable. I’ll approach it differently next time”).

Changing how we frame our failures doesn’t mean ignoring reality—it means choosing a perspective that allows us to grow rather than stagnate.

The Danger of Fixed Stories

Think back. Have you ever heard yourself say:

“I’m just not the kind of person who succeeds at this.”

“I am always messing things up.”

“I’m too old/young/inexperienced to try this.”

These are fixed stories-ideas that convince us our paths are set in stone. Research shows that success often involves multiple setbacks and failures before achieving any breakthrough. Studies in overcoming addiction acknowledge relapse as part of the process of recovery. Studies of entrepreneurs and innovators highlight that persistence is key, as it’s common for individuals to face repeated rejections or failures before finding success. For instance, many successful individuals, like inventors or business leaders, have faced numerous obstacles before their breakthroughs. These setbacks weren't seen as personal flaws—they were simply part of the process. By reframing their challenges, they didn’t view them as failures, but as opportunities for growth and learning.

Journaling as a Tool for Emotional Processing

Journaling is more than just a habit; research shows it has real, proven benefits for your emotional and mental health. In studies conducted by Dr. James Pennebaker, a pioneer in expressive writing research, it was found that writing about traumatic or emotional events can help reduce stress and improve both mental and physical health. His work demonstrated that journaling helps individuals process complex emotions, leading to improved immune function, reduced anxiety, and better emotional regulation.

Journaling helps to bridge the gap between our emotions and our cognitive processing. Writing forces us to slow down, step back, clarify our thoughts, and reframe how we view difficult experiences. This practice is particularly useful for reworking stories of failure, allowing us to find meaning in what initially felt like setbacks.

Journal Exercise: Rewriting Your Story

Let's pause for a moment and think of an episode in your life where you felt like you failed. Write the story of that failure as your mind remembers it. (Be honest with yourself.)

Now, rewrite it as if you were the wise mentor in someone else’s hero story.

• What lessons were learned?

• What strengths were gained?

• How could this be part of a bigger journey?

A Narrative Tool: The "Power of Yet" in Neuroscience

The concept of adding the word "yet" to our internal monologue is supported by neuroscientific studies on neuroplasticity. Dr. Carol Dweck's research on growth mindset found that individuals who frame their abilities as malleable and capable of improvement (e.g., "I can’t do this... yet") are more likely to persist through challenges and achieve long-term success.

Incorporating "yet" into our narrative vocabulary taps into the brain's ability to adapt and change through neuroplasticity. This shift in language doesn’t just change how we think about failure; it encourages new neural pathways that promote resilience and problem-solving. So, when we say “I can’t do this yet,” we activate the brain's growth centers, making it more likely that we will continue to learn, practice, and succeed over time.

Let's look at some ways we can incorporate this simple word into our stories.

Instead of saying:

“I’m not good at this.”

Try:

“I’m not good at this... yet.”

Instead of:

“I’m terrible at public speaking.”

Try:

“I haven’t mastered public speaking yet, but I’m improving.”

This one simple word—yet—turns a dead-end statement which ends our story in failure or loss into a stepping stone for a much larger story.

Your Story Isn’t Finished, You’re Still Writing It.

Your past failures don’t define you. How you frame them does.

This week, challenge yourself to rewrite a personal failure into a lesson. See what happens when you shift from self-criticism to self-growth.

If you’re interested in learning more strategies for reframing setbacks and building resilience, stay with us. This is just the beginning of the journey.

Want to take this further? Share your biggest takeaway in the comments or DM me on Instagram. Let’s reshape these stories together.

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References: Baddeley, A. D. (2000). The episodic buffer: A new component of working memory? Trends in Cognitive Sciences, 4(11), 417-423.

Dweck, C. S. (2006). Mindset: The new psychology of success. Random House. Pennebaker, J. W. (1997). Writing about emotional experiences as a therapeutic process. Psychological Science, 8(3), 162-166.